The Wonderful Day

 If you have ever been around Dementia patients, you will know exactly what I'm talking about when I say that I am living in a state of exhaustion.  Today I am beyond exhausted.  Let me give you a glimpse into our world right now....

My Mother-In-Law has dementia.  It seemed to come on very fast and is escalating every day.  Truthfully, we may not have noticed the early stages, or written off the forgetfulness and other erratic behavior as "just getting old".  But when dillusions and harmful behavior started, we knew it was more.  This has been one of the saddest things I have ever watched happen to a loved one. 

When she moved out of her apartment, she went to her son's house. After a couple of weeks, she became very disruptive, very aggresive, and started wandering. It is so scary and frightening to see your Mother become a violent person, when all of her life, she has been a sweet, loving person. But that, my friends, is Dementia. When we kept her on Saturdays and Sundays, she was mostly ok. We had no real problems with her outside of the normal incontinence issues. But the aggressive behavior seems to be worse at night, and she slept at their house since we have no proper bed for her at our house.  We have bunk beds. We have lots of grandkids and bunk beds work for them.  Not so much for an 87 year old woman.

Last Friday, she came to live with us. Troy and I both have done a ton of research on the matter, and try very hard to keep our home calm and low key for her.  But the past 48 hours have been bad.  Last night she didn't know who Troy was.  She asked me who that man was in the kitchen.  When I told her, she just looked blankly at me and asked if he was in jail.  I found hoarded food in odd places last night.  She got aggressive toward Troy because she thought he was a bad man who came into the house.  I convinced her to get into her nightgown and I got her tucked in.  She stayed 10 minutes and got up again. A little later, I tucked her in again.  And again, 10 minutes later, she was up.  It's extremely obvious that she has not concept of time anymore, because she gets up and acts like it's now morning. So after I tucked her in a third time, I went to bed.  She was up 10 minutes later.  So to sum up last night, I had 3 hours of sleep.  She wandered the house having a very loud, very aggressive conversation with someone. She didn't attempt to go outside, and she didn't hurt anything.  But she clearly did not realize that it was midnight. I just sat on the edge of my bed and listened to be sure she didn't get hurt. We have cameras that will alert us if she attempts to go outside, but I still feel uneasy when I know she's wandering around the house.  I don't bother her.  That would just aggrivate her. So I sit and listen.

So this morning, when the caregiver that was arranged for today did not show up, I called out of work.  I was feeling very frustrated and very tired. But I got her bathed and dressed, and we left for her Doctor's appointment that Troy had originally planned to take her to.  After the appointment, we went to pick up her prescriptions and a few things at the grocery store.  While in the store, we walked past a table of freshly baked cookies, and in a childlike voice said to me "I like peanut butter cookies".  I said would you like me to buy some?  (I don't normally have sweets in my house, so this was a big deal.)  She said yes, so we added them to the cart.

Leaving the store, I asked what she would like for lunch.  I named a few places nearby, and her eyes lit up and she said Pizza!  She loves her pizza!  So we went and had pizza for lunch.  

Now, this all seems rather mundane, right?  To me, too.  Remember, I'm exhausted from no sleep, and I was so frustrated with the no show caregiver!  I'm shooting PTO days this week like they are nothing.  But as we are driving home, she looks over at me and says "You're a wonderful person!"  I said awe thank you!  Then a few minutes later she says "This has been a wonderful day!"  That stopped me dead in my tracks.  What?  We went for a physical, shopped for milk and her favorite cheerios, and ate pizza. THIS is a wonderful day?  I couldn't wrap my head around it.  And then it hit me that she can't wrap her head around our world.  Why would I be able to do that with hers?  Her reality in thinking this was a great day came from someone being calm and quiet. Patiently searching out every restroom every place we went, and trying to figure out which aisle Depends are on. It was someone who treated her with respect and dignity while bathing her and helping her dress.  It was buying those cookies that she wanted so badly.  Dementia patients have feelings too.  They are not always likable, though.  They hit.  They kick.  They yell horrible things sometimes.  They acuse. But they are still our Mother/Father/Spouse, etc. 

Who knows what tonight may bring.  I may be called some pretty ugly names.  Or she may hit me. But, today was a wonderful day.  And if I can give her that when she has some clarity of mind, I feel honored to do so.  And to me, today was priceless.  She will be moving into Autumn House soon, and I know the progression into this terrible disease will only continue.  So yeah, today was a wonderful day!